I told you! I promised to give you a daily double of bloggy goodness and I am delivering on my word. I meant to run this column earlier in the week but the division series decided to be extra dramatic and forced me to push this back to this weekend. No big deal, that just gave me extra time to marinate this delicious blog post a little longer before I cooked it up and put it on a platter for you.
My ALDS and NLDS predictions were based off which old-timey player had the better mustache, beard, mutton chops, etc. Not surprisingly, I got ¾ of the championship series teams correct, only Garry Maddox’s afro-chops failed to propel the Phillies past the Cardinals and Bruce Sutter’s entire head beard. No big deal! Didn’t Meatloaf sing a song about fractions being awesome? I like fractions too, Meat.
Meatloaf is a perfect segue into my next gimmick. I decided to keep things current and scanned the 40-man rosters of the LCS participants to find players that look like they’ve been avoiding their offseason workout regiments, and in-season workout regiments for that matter, for the better part of a decade. I went on a fatty hunt and you might be surprised at how many husky gentlemen have made their way up the ranks of elite athletes. To be frank, there are some professional bowlers that look better than the guys I found for this gimmick. Without further ado…
The Gluttons of October
Rangers vs. Tigers
I needed to get this one out of the way first because Texas has a surprising lack of fat guys on their 40-man roster. I suppose you could consider Nellie Cruz a big guy, but he’s not fat. Not many guys are fat at 6’4”, 230 pounds. The next biggest body is Josh Hamilton, and no one is going to tell him to lose weight. So I went outside the box for this matchup.
It was hard not to let Mark Hamburger (hamburger!) represent the Rangers in this matchup with Brad Penny. Hamburger is actually quite slim and Brad Penny was at one point. I think irony and comedy win out here.
Cardinals vs. Brewers
I wouldn’t necessarily call Yadier Molina fat, but he certainly has the dumpiest body on the Cardinals, he’s also the most in shape of the Molina brothers, which is sad and funny at the same time. He has saddlebags and what appears to be cellulite on his thighs. Which is incredible considering he’s a 29-year-old athlete. I honestly don’t know what to make of his body but I do know that his opponent Prince Fielder probably doesn’t buy his t-shirts in the Hanes 3-packs like I do. Or any normal shaped person for that matter. These two are both similar in height to me and Molina is the most similar in weight to me, yet they both make me look like an airbrushed model in Muscle and Fitness magazine.
Note: Prince Fielder doesn’t use actual donuts to warm up in the on-deck circle. They usually don’t make it past his locker. Hiiioooooo! Fat guy slam! I wonder what other foods we could photoshop into Fielder’s hands?
We’ll see if we get a Brewers vs. Rangers World Series, I’m still not sure what gimmick I’d like to use to pick a winner but I’m sure I’ll think of something good. If you have any suggestions for how I should approach the World Series, let me know in the comments! Also, enjoy the remaining pictures and additional snarky commentary!
Your bonus LKSD!
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by Fatt Pagel